you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
