I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize