Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
