Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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