My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
