i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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