I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
