If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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