hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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