thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
