the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
