Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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