I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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