You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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