You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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