wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
