i don't like sucking hair
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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