I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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