I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
