I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
