WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
