Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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