I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
