Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
