I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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