im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
