sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I touched a dick in church today
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
