i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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