just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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