Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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