so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
