I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The air taste purple.
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