So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize