dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
