Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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