you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
