I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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