I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
