Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
