he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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