Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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