My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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