I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
