i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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