Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it's like iHOP with fire
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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