I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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