so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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