Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I could fuck to npr.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
