I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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