Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
