This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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