I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
