This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
