@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
