I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
