Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
