I think I won the penis lottery.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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