I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
soo... how was my night?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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