the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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