if i can run in heels then i can drive
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
